Q. Well, Mr Khakibum, you've kindly agreed to answer some questions about the activities of your arsehole. We all know what comes out, but our current interest is in what has entered it. So may I begin?
A. Yes, go ahead. And by the way, you can just call me 'Khaki'.
Q. Thank you, Khaki. Now to start with, can we talk about foreign bodies pushed into your hole i.e. inanimate objects? Is that a big thing with you?
A. Not quite as big as it used to be. You know, when we were younger, in our early teenage years, I think all boys liked to experience those new-found feelings of sexual pleasure and experiment with them. I don't think I was any different from most lads in pushing small objects like smooth stones, pieces of coal, bits of soap, up my bum. As I grew I looked for new sensations, pushing the necks of bottles up there too. One of my early 'findings' was to push the corks from bottles inside me, later tied with a piece of string so that I could pull them out easily rather than shitting them out, which could be rather painful if one got too carried away with the initial insertions. Then I progressed to carrots and then further to candles, but found that although they were ideal in terms of shape, one's own body-heat would tend to melt them inside, sometimes with pieces breaking off. Not always so pleasant! Then, as an adult, of course I progressed to butt-plugs and rubber cocks or dildos with batteries that vibrated. But, as I say, it was never really a great interest with me as nothing can beat a real, big, hard, greased-up cock.
Oh, and I ought to just say that, having had a strict Catholic education there was always a mental tussle going on between my desires, which I knew to be 'sinful', with inverted commas (Laughter) and the need I felt to satisfy these urges. It hardly needs saying which one usually won, but for years I was blighted by feelings of guilt, thanks to our Holy Mother Church, I don't think! (Applause)
Q. Well, that's a really full description of your activities in that area. But now getting to the really interesting part, can you tell us, up to today, how many cocks have entered your hole? Just approximately, of course! (Laughter)
A. Actually not all that many in total, as I've always preferred the oral side. But to answer your question, I'd have to divide that question up. Firstly, the number of rubber-johnnied cocks which have been up me is, frankly, rather less than I might have wished. On the other hand, the number of 'bareback riders' I've allowed in is a bit greater than I ought to have allowed. But, you know, when one has had a few too many drinks one gets carried away and you behave in ways which, totally sober, you would have considered unwise.
Q. Yes, I know what you're referring to. But clearly you've been very lucky considering some of your past experiences.
A. Yes, I'm shit-sure that I've been very lucky indeed.
Q. Now, how many tongues have been there?
A. Do you mean actually entered, or just licked and slurped around my hole?
Q. Well, both.
A. Not enough of both! (General laughter.) It's an activity I just can't get too much of. I fuckin' LOVE it!
Q. Well, well! That's clear enough.
A. And can I just add that my other end - my tongue - is never satisfied in having too many bumholes to penetrate. If a guy's naked hole is presented to me I've just got to lick it all round and gently push my tongue in and lick all I can inside. I like to lick the shit out of guys - literally! (Applause.)
Q. Now can I just ask you one further question on that? You may not wish to answer but if you'll just allow me to ask it anyway. Using both your arsehole and your tongue in an activity which you clearly love to engage in, have you ever experienced any nasty after-effects, if you get my meaning?
A, Yes, I certainly do know what you are referring to. I must once again thank my uncanny luck. I have never once experienced any trouble at either end as a consequence of this particular activity. At least so far. I certainly don't intend to give up doing it, but am always aware that any day my luck may change. But, as I say, so far, the gay bum-sex gods have been looking kindly on me, though any day they could turn round and give me a really nasty bite on the arse.
Q. Ah, that's excellent. Thank you, Khaki, for giving us the time to speak so frankly to us on this delicate but fascinating subject.
A. Not at all, Sir. It was a pleasure. Now, (licking lips) turn round, drop your pants and bend over! Ha ha!
(General applause and cheers.)
